From the Vault: WWBW - What Would Bert Write?

At Baker Drivetrain we don’t just do what we do to make a living. We live and breathe every part of it. All-in, all-out. Commitment is core to who we are. Compromises are for imported knockoff supporters doing things half-ass and putting quality second.

So to help share our world with you we've got a fair share of wild stories, insider advice and tune-up tips waiting up our sleeves. Even if anything else we do doesn’t obey to any rules or back down from the nay-sayers, it feels just right to properly introduce ourselves before we let you in on our dark side. In this inaugural edition From The Vault, here we zip back to 2007 with this article from Bert that rants about what separates Baker Drivetrain from the chumpetition.

WWBW?

What Would Bert Write?

Baker Drivetrain isn’t really a business. It’s actually an elaborate front for a super meth lab that is operated out of some old semi-trailers out back. This is a big advantage for us as it relates to developing, producing, and marketing new products for the American motorcycle aftermarket. In a nutshell, it emancipates us from all corporate restrictions that typically govern free thinking and compromises due to tight budgets and tighter sphincters.

The R&D Design department develops new products without any managerial restrictions. I’m the management and I sit in my office and watch rap videos all day and pick my nose. I usually birth a killer concept about the same time as I pull a masterpiece out of my sinus cavities. I scoot out of my office and find one of my engineers to take the new project and run with it. I take a dump, wash my hands, and go back to my office to watch rap videos. Three to six months later the two marketing artists get a hold of it and the new product off and running.

Our purchasing group selects suppliers based on three criteria: Quality, Delivery and American Made. They are constantly barraged with overseas suppliers offering ½ priced goods that will lower costs and increase our profits (at the expense of further eroding the American manufacturing base). Corporate America is doing a lot of that lately because they have to answer to shareholders. We don’t have no stinking shareholders. Lisa and I make the fuckin’ decisions.

Our manufacturing people get the very best training and equipment to do their job. They work eight hour shifts, not fourteen hours like in China. They have full medical benefits, IRAs with corporate matching, and free ice cream bars in the freezer.

Our marketing artists are so psycho that Lisa and I occasionally have to tell them to back down. People get the idea that we are a Fortune 500 company from our market presence: we’re not.

The second sentence is not actually true. We don’t make meth; it’s bad for your health, destroys the fabric of society and turns your teeth black. The rest of it, however, is true. But if we did make meth, we would send it all to China and Korea (North and South) to tweak them out to that big Wal-Mart in the sky so they wouldn’t pollute our beautiful country with their shitty products anymore.

Bert Baker